Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
