my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
