hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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