quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
