there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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