marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
