there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home