i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
