it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
