i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
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