Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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