Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
only you would photoshop your dick
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
