remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize