I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Randomize
