On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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