I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
