I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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