That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
