Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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