Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
