I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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