You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
