this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
