I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
