Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
