If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
