Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
