i jhust puked up my retainher.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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