I have demons in me.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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