He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
