It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
