I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
