my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
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i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
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It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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