One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
