Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
