Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
whose ass print is on the piano?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
