i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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