I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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