i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
