turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
