Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
You made out with two different species that night
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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