"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
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