Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
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I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
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I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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