the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
