I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
