Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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