If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
