I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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