And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
