Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
