Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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