oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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