His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
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