I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
