If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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