In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
