my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
