I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
