Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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