You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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