Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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