Just cropdusted the office
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
