I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
