That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
